My Holiday Time Story.

 

I grew up in a loving family, we always celebrated holidays together. Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve hugs were shared with a wishing well; even if we tried, we were never alone. In December of 1999 I left my home to move to the US. That year was the big 2000 year; celebrations, predictions, and others were the stories of the day. Mine, I was saying good bye to the only people who cared about me.

I started living at a small studio; at my new job I got scheduled to work night shifts, mainly the night of the 24^th and the 31^st because I didn’t have family to be with, neither friendships. My December got very blue, making me want to forget about Christmas, or any other holiday. I have never felt loneliness before until that day.

One day before work I decided to go for a little walk to a nearby store; trough the isles, Christmas decorations, smiling shoppers with family and friends. I thought I made a mistake about the walk; on my way out I noticed a small plush animal looking at me, it was a frog holding up a star. It looked like it was smiling at me; this made me smile warming up my heart. I knew then, that I can have my own Christmas time, and to know wherever I am, I am loved, as well I love them.

I am sharing my story because when all seems lost, there is something to remember and smile. I hope you can smile again, knowing we were/are loved, smile for the ones who are far or no longer with us.

By the way, the frog found a new home.

The Night Before

Cloudy sky upon us, the starts are not as bright, they are making their way through the fog of the night. Uncomfortable silence, there is no words to say, or anything to add. Eye lids are turning heavy on me, closing my eyes, getting me ready for an uncertain night of sleep.

Sailing into the world of thoughts, an ocean of memories brings me weird thoughts, how about us is the voice of the question, desolation is reaching into my soul, I know it is just a feeling of the moment, but it is a feeling that questions home won’t be no more, feelings of sadness covers my heart, painting a picture of strength, once again far from home.

A battle inside my mind presents, it’s holding my heart by the hand, hiding it and protecting it, not letting any of those ghosts to approach, it just rushes quickly to arrive into the land of sleep to wait until this moment stay in the pass. My subcontinent stays on alert, in guard taking care of the ship anchored in the land of the living. Desolation still it feels, as the clock tics, second by second, how long does it feels.

Deep in my sleep, darkness I see, a shadow behind walls is waiting, and waiting. I wonder, is it a mirage?, or this is real. I cover myself, and turn my head away, trying to sink into myself. A sudden noise shakes me awake, A vision of color, sun and dancing I get to see, this is weird, I tell myself, this is not real, my eye lids close for me, letting me get lost in my sleep. Another shake I feel again, I turn my head, trough the night light coming from the window, a shadow I perceive, slowly approaching and reaching after me. Feeling cautious I feel; in a foreign language, he speaks at me. With open arms and hands grabs me close to him. He is happy and smiling, he is happy to be with me. Happy I certainly feel, comfortable to be there with him. I hug him, I kiss him, I wrap myself around him. I feel happy you are here with me. He tells me a story where moments ago he finished reading, for what I hear this is exactly like the vision moments ago I got to see. A happy moment, a warm heart from each other, is the beautiful feeling of the moment. A sudden spark clicks, my mind tells me, this is not for real, come back to safety. My heart wishes this to be real; it is just a projection of the land where everyone sleeps.

I come back to my desolation, wishing something of that mirage comes with me, a couple more times this beautiful mirage repeats, I keep falling for it. Moments of happiness I feel, but soon I get to bring back next to my guardian, where I find myself asleep.

Once more I felt shaken, my heart happy it feels, It thinks here is that beautiful moment, It wishes to be real. My mind tells me time to come back, it’s time for things to become real. I am awake now, shadows trough a foggy morning I see around the room. I turn my head to find and see the one who brings me happiness. He is in deep sleep.

Something tells me, it is not a fairy tale of my dream, I wake up to reality, feeling the unknown of a day, I feel a tear running inside of me, wishing hugs, kisses, smiles and stories to be there, just like in my dream; as a shinny day to be. I move out of bed, to start once again, a day.

I Love You.    

GYPSY

There are rare occasions when I feel identify with a song, as it brings emotions and feelings out from me. One of them and most recent was "Alegria" from Cirque du Soleil. Now a new song have came out, and Gaga have made it, causing those emotions to come out from me, as it tells something about my life, and what it has been. This emotions are: Stand UP, Breath, Breath, Smile, Sing Out Loud, Fly, Dream, Jump, and Dance, Dance, Dance...... because I am alive.

"Gypsy"

By Lady Gaga.

Sometimes a story has no end
Sometimes I think that we could just be friends
"'Cause I'm a wandering man," he said to me.

And what about our future plans?
Does it seem we have even make sense?
When I got the whole world in front of me

So I said, "I don't wanna be alone forever.
But I can be tonight
I don't wanna be alone forever
But I love gypsy life
I don't wanna be alone forever
Maybe we can see the world together
I don't wanna be alone forever
But I can be tonight, tonight."

So I just packed my baggage and
Said goodbye to family and friends
And took the road to nowhere on my own

Like Dorothy on a yellow brick
Hope my ruby shoes get us there quick
'Cause I left everyone I love at home

And I don't wanna be alone forever
But I can be tonight
I don't wanna be alone forever
But I love gypsy life
I don't wanna be alone forever
Maybe we can see world together
I don't wanna be alone forever
But I can be tonight, tonight

'Cause I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
A gypsy, a gypsy, a gypsy
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
A gypsy, a gypsy, a gypsy
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
A gypsy, a gypsy, a gypsy
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
A gypsy, a gypsy, a gypsy, I'm

And then he asked me,
Said, "Baby, why do we love each other?"
I said, "Honey, it's simple.
It's the way that you love and treat your mother."

Thought that I would be alone forever
But I won't be tonight
I'm a man without a home
But I think with you I can spend my life
And you'll be my little gypsy princess
Pack your bags and we can chase the sunset
Bust the rearview and fire up the jets
'Cause it's you and me
Baby, for life

Would you go with me?
(For life)
See the world with me

'Cause I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
A gypsy, a gypsy, a gypsy
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
A gypsy, a gypsy, a gypsy. I'm

Russia, UK, Paris, I'm
Italian, Asian, Kompai
Africa, India, I'm
A gypsy, a gypsy, a gypsy. I'm
Latin American, I don't speak German but I try
Someday in Jakarta, I'm
American, I'm gypsy I
Bangkok, Australia, Malaysia
Sweden, Finland, Norway
Be my home just for the day
I'm a gypsy, gypsy, gypsy hey

( #Dance #Love #live #Happy #happiness #Alegria #ArtPop #LadyGaga #Gypsy #traveler #alone #friends #husband )

I Had Everything

After a long, long day I am back to what it seems like is my place to live. I look around the bathroom, about regular size. Above the sink, dirty blurry windows, tiles are missing here and there, the corrosive pluming barely works, some might call it vintage, I call it old. I look around thinking... this is falling apart. I refresh myself before to step into what now I might call it a room.

I look around, old wood floors, on each step I make the sound of wood cracking, in front of me there are big windows ceiling to floor framed in wood; some squares of glass are broken, some others can’t see trough. I wonder if someone at the other side can see trough, I shake my head and I look behind me, as a bed a mattress, the sheets are there, and a blanket. The bed is a mess, it shows that haven’t been made in days. Some old lamps on the side, but these ones have something especial, I plugged them into a dimmer, to feel like a little more like home. High ceilings in this room, bringing a feeling of emptiness, at the top of the ceiling looks dark, the light from my lamps doesn’t go that far, neither what comes trough the windows.

Hi, you are here!, nice to see you..... What? Are you staying here?, you can’t (I tell him scared), she will be coming, you can’t stay here (I am nervous), She doesn’t know I am gay, and if she finds out........ No!, you don’t understand, you must go!. She will be upset, not good will comes from it. You have to go!...........

A sudden realization of reality hits me.

I am wrong, no one is coming, she doesn’t live here. She is far, far away. (This realization calmed me down, making me feel little better). I stand up from the only place to sit, the bed; as I stand I say: “I can’t believe, I had everything, and I lost it. I lost it all. I have nothing now”.

As I turn, you tell me. That’s it! You can’t live like this, that’s enough. You grab a piece of old falling apart baggage, and put my belongings in there. Closed under your arm you tell me, “You come with me, you come with me now!”.

In my mind, I tell my self I can’t go, this is my place now, I had everything, and I lost it. This is all what I have. I look at him to tell him my thoughts. He doesn’t let me; he grabs my hand and pulls me with him. I knew, I should go with him.

Wait!, I need to grab few things, I grab a marble square, a coaster that means something to me. I wrap them into a piece of fabric. Then I walk behind him. Nothing else here is mine.

The room manager, steps in front, wondering what is going on. We walk around him, and left the room.

At this point, I woke up. It was a dream, it was just a dream; but this dream left me with a strange feeling trough out the day. It was a dream.

Beautiful People

"The most beautiful people we have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life, that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen".

To Be Human

ANGEL (by DA). 

Walk, walk, walking,
Rain is coming.
Breath, breath, breathing,
Rain have shown.
Think, think, thinking,
What about me!.
Feel, feel, feeling.
My heart is at a dream.
Talk, talk, talking,
Out Louder, voice your thoughts out.
Scream, Scream, Screaming,
I don’t want to be here,
It is too much for me.
Strong, strong, stronger,
What I became to be.
Focus, focus, focus.
Stay in track, only feel what you need.
Touch, kiss, hugs,
Be in peace, my own self in a dream.
Run, Scream, Fight,
Out loud, fly away, and let it be.
Kind of lost, at times I feel,
New days are passing in front of me,
What I have, can be taken away,
What I don’t far from gone,
It is a thought, in me;
Right thing, It is a guess that nobody knows,
Keep on walking, stay strong,
It is what I got,
Let it be, 
Good to be shown.
Good, stays in me.
Good surrounds,
It's a hope.
Peace, peace, be in peace,
One day it will be.

(With you I will be)......

Something So Right.

Our Song, and always will be.