I watched a documentary yesterday, about the gay community and
their groups. As you well know, months ago went very public about young kids
that killed themselves because of bulling, and from there Trevor Project went
as public as never before, to all of this adding my experience and views a have
being feeling the need to write about a perspective where looks like few people
see at it, the outsiders, the outcast, you name it.
Bulling, towards teenagers, a very sensitive community where
a character, of a human being is developing trying to understand their own self
identity. It is already a battle inside our head and heart, adding what we have
to deal outside and around us it can turn to be very chaotic, many of us we
find a right way or wrong way to make it through this to keep on going with our
lives. It has being already outspoken about “Let be who we want to be” yes
everybody is different; it has being express around the world and the entire
society.
But there is more about this situation inside our own community,
after we finally make it through this self identity discovery; it is just to
find a brand new spectrum of challenges. When I finally got out of the closet I
was told “You are a baby” Oh Yes! I thought we are a community where a small
group is against this big community called “Heterosexuals” plus people living
in denial, and in the shadows. I thought we are out, a great community who will
help each other, so we all will be GAY= HAPPY. How wrong I was. It is more
intense, to see how much discrimination even exist between our own community.
In this new self discovery between circuit people, perfect
bodies, body builders, pretty boys, pretty men, bears, leather, drag, bi, etc.
You name it. Where I do fit? Well at that point at least one thing I had, I was
young and fresh meet, somehow the eyes were on me, but that only last a very
short time. You grow up with what you being told “Just be yourself” and you
will be alright; than that is not enough, and even suddenly it is even wrong be
yourself, you have to start to be something else to fit with the surroundings
and have some kind of social life. Cloths, Body, Hair, etc, the way you look,
always will open you doors inside any kind of group.
I had a difficult time trying to find my place, it keep me
away from it a few relationships, where I didn’t feel the need to fit in some
kind of group. But nothing is forever; it didn’t last long and now I found
myself to confront my own place in this community. What I did find out…. I AM
INVISIBLE.
Trevor project were public promoting acceptance and support
between everyone. I felt it does need to take one step further. I am sure I am
not the only one who feels invisible, between these groups, must be many more
people under the same situation. I feel like I am in a place where no one wants
me, bringing a very lonely feeling, isolation, sadness, low and lower self steam, no one like/want me; at this
point it is really “me” against the world. It haven’t gone public, and I think
many people have gotten to the point to have suicidal thoughts, if not further,
drugs, alcohol, or whatever that can cover or finish that isolation and loneliness.
It does need to go public about bulling between adults; how the gay community
is affecting the live of our own people, destroying more lives. We are already
a small group.
Now back to this other point of view, self discovering as an
outsider. I observed all what is going
on around me. This documentary talking about to become someone just to have
some kind of social life; between Therapist, doctors and else helping people
with they own selves, but the problem still out there inside our community.
Click dish community. You have to be built to be with a muscle
men. Pretty boys only with a group that will help them look prettier; fashion, money,
etc. No need to be built but if you are big you are with the Bears. It is crazy! Here I am. Where do I fit in all of these? I
like body hair but I am not hairy enough to fit in that community. I am average
body built but not tone, pretty much that doesn’t take me anywhere. I am Hispanic,
depending where you are the perception of being Hispanic is different, and usually
not as good. I am not longer young, I am getting older and already that
community in a way is misplaced, even they already have a battle feeling
already invisible for so many years. What can I do?
I told myself, everything revolves about the way you look,
things you do or have, it is all what it matters for everyone; I will have to
build that visual effect, so than I can be the one who choose, and not hope to
be the chosen one. I start working out, get my body tone, loose the fat on
places where needed to be gone, etc. I am getting there; but I am feeling I am
now falling under the same scene that we our Gay community is making all of us
to fall.
As I did write, it is not just me, there is many people out there
experiencing the same kind of issues as I do, feeling invisible, the outcast, and
the only solution is to become someone, why not just become who we already are,
why that suddenly it is wrong.
I have being thinking, my two major relationships I had was
with a muscle bear hairy guys kind. That is what I am attracted to, Body Hair!
and I am not nothing like a muscle hairy bear or so. Now till this day I keep
trying to find acceptance in a community where seems like there is no place for
me, and whatever I have accomplished is because looks, but not for what I
really am inside.
I started this blog with the hope to help to build some conscience
around. Stop bulling between ourselves, whoever we are Gay, BI, Lesbian,
Transgender, etc. It doesn’t cost you anything to smile, to say hello. A positive
change starts with small things, to become a strong community. That is what we
need if we really want to find acceptance and respect with a Heterosexual Society.
